Dating on the Other Side of the Rainbow

(Originally published on leilanientertainment.com)

I am often asked why I date outside of my race; for years I would just smile and politely say that it was important to diversify. Well finally I have put my answer in one collected stream of thought so that I can set the record straight from my personal experience. Hopefully those reading this might be inspired to consider my view and perhaps change their current way of seeing this topic. In my lifetime, I have witnessed so many women of color who have held vigil; hoping, praying, waiting for the right brother to come along and carry her off into the sunset. While this is a nice thought, the sad fact is that it probably will not happen; at least it was not a reality for me and many of my girlfriends.
It is counterproductive to think that any man will come along and carry one off to the sunset, but it is such an alluring Hollywood bill of goods that has been sold to us, many still dream of it happening. Statistics state that there are simply just not enough heterosexual black men to go around accommodating the number of single black heterosexual women, if you doubt me on this, just ask any sister in Atlanta where the numbers are staggering against her favor. Simply put, if a black woman wants a partner on her intellectual and economic level, she is going to have to leave her race.
“Why white guys?” my father sadly asked me one day as I shared with him that my current love was in fact an Irish man from Brooklyn, and he is certainly not “black Irish” which technically has less to do with skin tone and more to do with hair color. Let me preface this by saying, men are men, and all are capable of breaking a woman's delicate heart, no matter what color he is; however I link my preference for white men to the roots of one’s sociological existence. We tend to be products of our environment, or at least what we are raised with and exposed to sticks with us, and has a quite a bit to do with the way we envision and interact with the world.

It has been my experience that some black men grow up with a very different sociological perspective than his white counterpart. For example, let us begin with the first image of mother. Working mothers raised many folks in my generation, but here is the difference; many white mothers, if they did work outside of the home, the majority of them worked because they wanted to, not because they had to. Many white men witnessed a dad who came home, who took the patriarchal role in their family and mom was put on a pedestal, she was able to use the "wait till your dad gets home" line, and when he did come home, it was to provide some back bone. Many black men I have encountered grew up witnessing mom working one, maybe two jobs, going to PTA meetings, soccer and football games, keeping the house clean, bringing home the bacon, frying it up in a pan, and still had time to make it church on Sunday and  volunteering there, disciplining her children all the while and this very well could have been going on even with a black man present, fulfilling the role of the matriarchal workhorse. Many black men grew up with that image and when they were fortunate enough to get a black woman who had her stuff together, he jumped upon on her back and rode her, instead of uplifting her, cherishing her, and celebrating her. She was a matriarchal hard worker, just like mom.

All the while media images have been thrusting the image of beauty as a white woman, along with the image came the numerous myths of her ability to be softer, more accepting, docile, and more  worthy of worship; so not true for we all know women in all shapes, sizes, and ethnicity's are beautiful, soft and worthy of worship. For many black men, white women were the forbidden fruit and several brothers often told me in college they dated white woman because they were “easier” to bed and to get over on. Also a gross generalization because values are placed upon all, and there are members of all races who choose to ignore them and many women of all ethnicity's have allowed themselves to be used.

After a series of dating men of all colors, and interviewing several women who have dated inter racially, it seems white men win the prize when it comes to several areas: First, treating a woman like a lady. Remember the idea of mom? The exposure to an appropriate treatment of mom in his own development will play a role in how he treats women in his adulthood. Secondly, most white men seem to be more honest and forthcoming about their sexuality and interests; which offers women the opportunity to connect or back away, knowing the truth. The DL brothers boast staggering statistics; black men bringing home diseases to their unknowing women is a leading cause to the HIV AIDS epidemic amongst straight black females. Lastly, some white men tend to be more sexually pleasing; in personal situations and in interviews, I have had many of them tell me that the female/my pleasure was paramount to them. With some, not all, but some, it is all about them in the bedroom. Also, please do not believe the size hype; there are some white men out there seriously holding their own and plenty of black men riding the wave of that myth, disappointing women with their average to below average size.

In short, I love men, I adore them, and I have dated my fair share; from black to white, Asian to Latino. After all is said and done, we women should never forget that men are men and no matter the color, with one word, they can cause harm to our delicate hearts; however, we should not sit home and wait idly, hoping and praying that Mr. Right will come along in one specific color. Women need to open up to whole new world and recognize that the grass just might be greener on the other side of the rainbow.

Niki Kendall is an educator and author of the adult fiction page turner Makin' Happy. For  more information or to purchase Makin' Happy click here:
http://www.authorhouse.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-000255287