As I continue to work on my next book, which is an open letter to all the young women who are in need of some guidance, I was asked to do a piece on women helping women; in short female empowerment. As an educator, I find this to be essential; as a mother of a young daughter, it is a personal passion of mine. Self-esteem or lack thereof is often at the crux of the inhibition of one’s empowerment. What weighs heavy on my mind is the image of women; “the perception becomes reality process” that many young women go through. Many young women, though they are not responsible for the media image which widely portrays how they are “supposed to be”, fall victim a damaging attempt to live up to a unrealistic image they did not create, nor can they seem to escape the expectation of its manifestation.
Many of you may not consider this, but a hot topic on high school hallways is the style of dance young people have adopted as their own. In short, I call it the “booty dance”. For anyone distant from this community, in short, our young sisters, of all ethnicities, have tossed away traditional stance of facing one’s partner for the raw and raunchy “free lap dance”. Yes ladies and gentlemen, your lovely teen daughter, sister, or niece has become so enamored with the “video vixen” image they have been inundated with via all of those music videos they have been allowed to watch, that they are attempting to live out that fantasy image on the school dance floors across America. One day when your sweet, lovely teen is sent to a school dance or friend's party, you should walk in while the party is in mid-swing; I promise you, you will get an eye full of beautiful girls face down-butt-up “Luke-Girl” type dancing. Oh and don’t think that if it is prom season the behavior will be more dignified because of the gowns and tuxedos. It is not uncommon for young ladies to hike up the gown and keep it moving.
I have broached the subject with students, from various regions since 2001. From Jersey City, New Jersey, to Raleigh, North Carolina, the responses are all the same “we don’t know any better” or “my mom dances this way”. Yes I said it! They are ratting you out mom! I recently closed on debates with a group of students from the class of 2010, and one group was brave enough to develop a resolution based on “dirty dancing”. I am proud of them for working diligently to defend their position, but I will always remain firm on my belief, yes dirty dancing is a form of expression and it is a freedom afforded by all, but bringing it to the school arena is wrong, dead wrong. The same student that will turn her nose up and look down on the stripper heading out to earn her money nightly, will give it away to every Tom, Dick, and Hakeem on the dance floor, for free. Where have we gone wrong?
I recently watched an interview with a particular hip hop producer who was called to the carpet about the images he elects to portray for his artists. His rationale was one that did make sense, he said he was providing entertainment for all of the hard working regular folks who seek to be enticed and entertained after a hard day’s work, fair enough. Then the interviewer turned the tables on him. She asked if he would put his daughter in one of those video vixen roles. At first he said yes, then when asked if he would allow for champagne to be poured atop her bikini clad body for the sake of entertainment, his response was an emphatic “No!”
Instead of finger pointing, I elect to take my finger and point it forward towards what can we do. Since it takes a village to raise a child, we all can do our part in aiding our young women. A plan needs to be put in place where the we teach young people that though there is an image that has been created for them, they do not have to live up to that particular stereotype. What they see in music videos is conjured up by male executives who are the key players of that game; they have carefully crafted and designed these images to cater to the male fantasy and nothing more. The debate will continue and drag on the same way that folks question why Stepin Fetchit took the roles he did, sans concern for the damaging ramifications of the ugly images he helped perpetuate. The same reason why he did is why these young ladies vie for the coveted video vixen role, the almighty dollar; after all, he was the first black actor to become a millionaire.
Brothers and sisters, please consider the images you expose your children to. Recognize that you are your child’s first teacher. If you hold that role in high esteem then it will transfer to your child. I was raised with a plaque hanging in my bedroom, the verse on it was entitled “Children Learn What they Live”. I read it daily as I got dressed in the morning. I am grateful to and honor my parents for recognizing their role as my first teacher. They provided a solid model that was pretty simple I have encapsulated it in these few points below:
▪ Always concern yourself with obtaining as much education as you can, for no one can ever take your degrees from you
▪ It’s nice to be important but it is important to be nice
▪ Who cares one thinks you are attractive? It is far better to be thought of as smart and kind
Folks, please encourage your young ladies that they must carry themselves with some form of dignity. There is an urgency to reach down in the hearts and minds of young girls everywhere and force them to see the value in their ability, talents, and education versus placing so much value in how they look and how mean they can be to someone else. It is far more important to concern themselves with civic and personal responsibility rather than trying to behave like a cheap imitation of what a record label executive thinks a woman should be.
Niki Kendall is an educator and author of the adult fiction page turner Makin' Happy. For more information or to purchase Makin' Happy click here:
http://www.authorhouse.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-000255287
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Dating on the Other Side of the Rainbow
(Originally published on leilanientertainment.com)
I am often asked why I date outside of my race; for years I would just smile and politely say that it was important to diversify. Well finally I have put my answer in one collected stream of thought so that I can set the record straight from my personal experience. Hopefully those reading this might be inspired to consider my view and perhaps change their current way of seeing this topic. In my lifetime, I have witnessed so many women of color who have held vigil; hoping, praying, waiting for the right brother to come along and carry her off into the sunset. While this is a nice thought, the sad fact is that it probably will not happen; at least it was not a reality for me and many of my girlfriends.
It is counterproductive to think that any man will come along and carry one off to the sunset, but it is such an alluring Hollywood bill of goods that has been sold to us, many still dream of it happening. Statistics state that there are simply just not enough heterosexual black men to go around accommodating the number of single black heterosexual women, if you doubt me on this, just ask any sister in Atlanta where the numbers are staggering against her favor. Simply put, if a black woman wants a partner on her intellectual and economic level, she is going to have to leave her race.
“Why white guys?” my father sadly asked me one day as I shared with him that my current love was in fact an Irish man from Brooklyn, and he is certainly not “black Irish” which technically has less to do with skin tone and more to do with hair color. Let me preface this by saying, men are men, and all are capable of breaking a woman's delicate heart, no matter what color he is; however I link my preference for white men to the roots of one’s sociological existence. We tend to be products of our environment, or at least what we are raised with and exposed to sticks with us, and has a quite a bit to do with the way we envision and interact with the world.
It has been my experience that some black men grow up with a very different sociological perspective than his white counterpart. For example, let us begin with the first image of mother. Working mothers raised many folks in my generation, but here is the difference; many white mothers, if they did work outside of the home, the majority of them worked because they wanted to, not because they had to. Many white men witnessed a dad who came home, who took the patriarchal role in their family and mom was put on a pedestal, she was able to use the "wait till your dad gets home" line, and when he did come home, it was to provide some back bone. Many black men I have encountered grew up witnessing mom working one, maybe two jobs, going to PTA meetings, soccer and football games, keeping the house clean, bringing home the bacon, frying it up in a pan, and still had time to make it church on Sunday and volunteering there, disciplining her children all the while and this very well could have been going on even with a black man present, fulfilling the role of the matriarchal workhorse. Many black men grew up with that image and when they were fortunate enough to get a black woman who had her stuff together, he jumped upon on her back and rode her, instead of uplifting her, cherishing her, and celebrating her. She was a matriarchal hard worker, just like mom.
All the while media images have been thrusting the image of beauty as a white woman, along with the image came the numerous myths of her ability to be softer, more accepting, docile, and more worthy of worship; so not true for we all know women in all shapes, sizes, and ethnicity's are beautiful, soft and worthy of worship. For many black men, white women were the forbidden fruit and several brothers often told me in college they dated white woman because they were “easier” to bed and to get over on. Also a gross generalization because values are placed upon all, and there are members of all races who choose to ignore them and many women of all ethnicity's have allowed themselves to be used.
After a series of dating men of all colors, and interviewing several women who have dated inter racially, it seems white men win the prize when it comes to several areas: First, treating a woman like a lady. Remember the idea of mom? The exposure to an appropriate treatment of mom in his own development will play a role in how he treats women in his adulthood. Secondly, most white men seem to be more honest and forthcoming about their sexuality and interests; which offers women the opportunity to connect or back away, knowing the truth. The DL brothers boast staggering statistics; black men bringing home diseases to their unknowing women is a leading cause to the HIV AIDS epidemic amongst straight black females. Lastly, some white men tend to be more sexually pleasing; in personal situations and in interviews, I have had many of them tell me that the female/my pleasure was paramount to them. With some, not all, but some, it is all about them in the bedroom. Also, please do not believe the size hype; there are some white men out there seriously holding their own and plenty of black men riding the wave of that myth, disappointing women with their average to below average size.
In short, I love men, I adore them, and I have dated my fair share; from black to white, Asian to Latino. After all is said and done, we women should never forget that men are men and no matter the color, with one word, they can cause harm to our delicate hearts; however, we should not sit home and wait idly, hoping and praying that Mr. Right will come along in one specific color. Women need to open up to whole new world and recognize that the grass just might be greener on the other side of the rainbow.
Niki Kendall is an educator and author of the adult fiction page turner Makin' Happy. For more information or to purchase Makin' Happy click here:
http://www.authorhouse.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-000255287
I am often asked why I date outside of my race; for years I would just smile and politely say that it was important to diversify. Well finally I have put my answer in one collected stream of thought so that I can set the record straight from my personal experience. Hopefully those reading this might be inspired to consider my view and perhaps change their current way of seeing this topic. In my lifetime, I have witnessed so many women of color who have held vigil; hoping, praying, waiting for the right brother to come along and carry her off into the sunset. While this is a nice thought, the sad fact is that it probably will not happen; at least it was not a reality for me and many of my girlfriends.
It is counterproductive to think that any man will come along and carry one off to the sunset, but it is such an alluring Hollywood bill of goods that has been sold to us, many still dream of it happening. Statistics state that there are simply just not enough heterosexual black men to go around accommodating the number of single black heterosexual women, if you doubt me on this, just ask any sister in Atlanta where the numbers are staggering against her favor. Simply put, if a black woman wants a partner on her intellectual and economic level, she is going to have to leave her race.
“Why white guys?” my father sadly asked me one day as I shared with him that my current love was in fact an Irish man from Brooklyn, and he is certainly not “black Irish” which technically has less to do with skin tone and more to do with hair color. Let me preface this by saying, men are men, and all are capable of breaking a woman's delicate heart, no matter what color he is; however I link my preference for white men to the roots of one’s sociological existence. We tend to be products of our environment, or at least what we are raised with and exposed to sticks with us, and has a quite a bit to do with the way we envision and interact with the world.
It has been my experience that some black men grow up with a very different sociological perspective than his white counterpart. For example, let us begin with the first image of mother. Working mothers raised many folks in my generation, but here is the difference; many white mothers, if they did work outside of the home, the majority of them worked because they wanted to, not because they had to. Many white men witnessed a dad who came home, who took the patriarchal role in their family and mom was put on a pedestal, she was able to use the "wait till your dad gets home" line, and when he did come home, it was to provide some back bone. Many black men I have encountered grew up witnessing mom working one, maybe two jobs, going to PTA meetings, soccer and football games, keeping the house clean, bringing home the bacon, frying it up in a pan, and still had time to make it church on Sunday and volunteering there, disciplining her children all the while and this very well could have been going on even with a black man present, fulfilling the role of the matriarchal workhorse. Many black men grew up with that image and when they were fortunate enough to get a black woman who had her stuff together, he jumped upon on her back and rode her, instead of uplifting her, cherishing her, and celebrating her. She was a matriarchal hard worker, just like mom.
All the while media images have been thrusting the image of beauty as a white woman, along with the image came the numerous myths of her ability to be softer, more accepting, docile, and more worthy of worship; so not true for we all know women in all shapes, sizes, and ethnicity's are beautiful, soft and worthy of worship. For many black men, white women were the forbidden fruit and several brothers often told me in college they dated white woman because they were “easier” to bed and to get over on. Also a gross generalization because values are placed upon all, and there are members of all races who choose to ignore them and many women of all ethnicity's have allowed themselves to be used.
After a series of dating men of all colors, and interviewing several women who have dated inter racially, it seems white men win the prize when it comes to several areas: First, treating a woman like a lady. Remember the idea of mom? The exposure to an appropriate treatment of mom in his own development will play a role in how he treats women in his adulthood. Secondly, most white men seem to be more honest and forthcoming about their sexuality and interests; which offers women the opportunity to connect or back away, knowing the truth. The DL brothers boast staggering statistics; black men bringing home diseases to their unknowing women is a leading cause to the HIV AIDS epidemic amongst straight black females. Lastly, some white men tend to be more sexually pleasing; in personal situations and in interviews, I have had many of them tell me that the female/my pleasure was paramount to them. With some, not all, but some, it is all about them in the bedroom. Also, please do not believe the size hype; there are some white men out there seriously holding their own and plenty of black men riding the wave of that myth, disappointing women with their average to below average size.
In short, I love men, I adore them, and I have dated my fair share; from black to white, Asian to Latino. After all is said and done, we women should never forget that men are men and no matter the color, with one word, they can cause harm to our delicate hearts; however, we should not sit home and wait idly, hoping and praying that Mr. Right will come along in one specific color. Women need to open up to whole new world and recognize that the grass just might be greener on the other side of the rainbow.
Niki Kendall is an educator and author of the adult fiction page turner Makin' Happy. For more information or to purchase Makin' Happy click here:
http://www.authorhouse.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-000255287
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Talking About a Love-o-lution by Niki Kendall
Originally Published in Leilani Entertainment Magazine April-June issue 2010
Niki Kendall is an educator and author of the adult fiction page turner Makin' Happy. For more information or to purchase Makin' Happy click here:
http://www.authorhouse.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-000255287
Love, no matter where one goes, or what one does it cannot be escaped. Yet to some it is most elusive, they yearn and search, to only be disappointed and burned by it. When I was young, I dreamed of love as this fairy tale I would one day step into. Marriage, childbirth, and divorce taught me lessons about love that forced me to realize it is a process, not a fairy tale. It amazes me how one can provoke the feeling of immense joy, and ten minutes later, that very same person can provoke intense sorrow. Bottom line, I want to believe that everyone, no matter where you are or what you do, is loved by someone else. The problem is, those who believe they are unloved, have created a mental defense mechanism to the converse; they have created situations to make themselves unlovable, favoring the victimized, “woe is me, no one loves me” concept. They still must be loved anyway.
When I examine love from a less romantic but more practical approach, I am amazed love is the one thing that we are all expected to know how to do, yet we are not taught how to do it. We are taught how to do almost everything else, we are taught to eat, speak, add, subtract, write, read, walk, cook, but love? Where are we taught to love? I have taught many subjects, and never on any curriculum in all of the states where I have worked in education, have I seen a class offered on love. In a recent discussion with the love of my life, I asked him to share his thoughts. He was pretty determined to get his point across, but he felt that love should happen naturally; “We are all born with the instinct to love, then society teaches how not to.” Well said, but I have a problem with that. We are relying on society to teach how not to love and that will serve as an education on how to love? That, to me, is absurd, but for many, it is true. I proudly have taken on the role to be the first teacher to my daughter. Parents are in fact a child’s first teacher. Sadly many fail in that role; they still must be loved anyway.
A few years ago I met a wonderful pair of gentlemen who declared 2008 as the year of love. They had a nifty logo, and began a grass roots approach in the Raleigh area. Their message was a simple one, “if people knew how to call upon the infinite power of love in their daily lives, the world would be a much better place.” I attended a meeting and was truly inspired. Right then and there I decided to be a soldier in the “love-o-lution”. I am still spreading the word to my students and friends. My desire is to encourage everyone to put more love into everything. Mother Theresa once said “Being unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by everybody, I think that is a much greater hunger, a much greater poverty than the person who has nothing to eat.” No truer words have been spoken. We must wage a “Love-o-lution” to love, care for, and most importantly forgive. We have to teach our young people the importance of love in their actions, the need for kindness in their words, and we must show them, how to forgive. Even those who cannot forgive; they still must be loved anyway.
I attended a media conference recently and one of my idols, a major media mogul, was the keynote speaker. This man was single-handedly responsible for being an important architect in the development of a major genre of music and he opened doors for a slew of performers still impacting the industry at present. He was asked by an audience member to express what he believes the music industry is missing at this moment, what is there a need for? His response was a humble, yet powerful one, “Love.” He paused then continued, “the message of love has been lost and a movement must be started to bring it back.” Chills ran up my spine. We have to recognize the importance of love in our actions and demand it from those we allow to entertain us. For those who put out harmful, negative, ugly images for the sake of earning a dollar, they still must be loved anyway.
I believe that the people who harbor bitterness and resentment induce their own stress and illness. I am no doctor, but common sense and a vast array of studies will back that theory. I have a dear friend who is growing weary from the lessons that have been taught to her by choosing to love the wrong person. I pray for her that she will learn to let go, and open her heart and mind to the idea that love can be a wonderful thing when she heals, learns to trust, and chooses wisely. In her brilliant song, Sade has declared her place as a “Soldier of Love”; her message of pressing on should inspire the masses. Simply put, the universe will provide you with what your thoughts declare. You harbor ugliness and hate in your heart, ugliness and hate will come to you. Dr. Martin Luther King believed “Hatred paralyzes life; love releases it. Hatred confuses life; love harmonizes it. Hatred darkens life; love illuminates it.” Amen! So for this coming year, what will your thoughts and actions provide?
Niki Kendall is an educator and author of the adult fiction page turner Makin' Happy. For more info, visit http://www.makinhappy-thebook.com/
#loveolution
Niki Kendall is an educator and author of the adult fiction page turner Makin' Happy. For more information or to purchase Makin' Happy click here:
http://www.authorhouse.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-000255287
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