This is a subject I have tried not to touch for numerous reasons; first of all, I am not a man so I can only speak on it from an objective point of view. I do have a father, a damn fantastic one I might add, however, speaking on my personal experiences without bashing those involved has been challenge. With the passing of the holiday we call Father’s Day, my then thirteen year-old daughter posted an intriguing status, and it has forced me to knuckle down and say what I have to say on the subject. On June 21, 2010, her Facebook status post read: “Some men who are fathers don't deserve the title, let alone the holiday. For some, the title of ‘Contributor to Creation’ will do just fine.”
I have a spectacular daughter whom sadly has quite a unique dichotomy of issues. On one hand she hears stories of her father; he is quite a brilliant musician, cook, and productive member of society, as he works in education. On the other hand, he is among the growing ranks of men who feel because they provide the bare minimum of child support, other connection builders such as visitations, holidays, birthdays, phone calls, and anything bearing a resemblance to a relationship is deemed unnecessary. When she was younger, I would jokingly say to my friends that it would be easier to comfort her if he had died, rather than try to explain to a child why her father wants nothing to do with her. Assuaging the fears of the mourning would be effortless compared to attempting to explain the gut wrenching choice of a man that is not addicted to a substance, not physically or mentally ill, just simply electing not to be in his child’s life.
There was a time when women I know would fear having a deep connection to a particular type of man, for example a thug type, one who solves his problems in the street, slinging rock for a living, or the type who is on an endless paper chase, too busy with his own career aspirations to prioritize relationships. One would never suspect that a multiple advanced degree holding, educator would essentially abandon his own child all the while, serve as a teacher in a community where abandoned children are the norm. Sadly this has become an epidemic. I am baffled by the endless calls to action put out by radio personalities, as well as our very own president; they are all asking the same, for men to be men and be parents to their children.
Why must this be the case? In all of my years, I have never heard a call for mothers to rise to their responsibilities. I never hear of national initiatives by politicians and sororities and fraternities to mentor young women because their mother’s are not doing right. I have even coordinated such events, only to find myself asking “what about the girls?” As an educator, I have witnessed plenty of young girls in need of guidance, but it seems that those coming from an environment that is lacking in support, the numbers show that girls deem successful in spite of the lack of parenting. The only thing I can chalk it up to is we love our sons and raise our daughters; this has been the adage in the black community for quite some time. Unfortunately, as an educator and in my own family I have witnessed my fair share of boys being given a pass and allowed to do whatever they want while girls are held to a different standard.
Who can we point the finger to? I am all about realizing that four fingers are pointed in my direction as I point elsewhere. I do not have a male child, so I personally cannot admit to contributing to the adage. I am however the female child of parents who also raised two men with paths very different from mine. One struggles to keep his family moving, as he has three kids of his own but I feel safe in saying he regrets not acquiring a formal education beyond high school, he makes me proud in his parenting commitment, but I worry for him, as I know how hard his struggle is as a young black man with limited education and mouths to feed. The other brother? His path has been so wrong where I often question if he is in fact part of my family.
So how could the same parents raise three children and they all turn out so differently? I feel safe in saying that of the three of us, I was saddled down with the most responsibility. I was expected to rise to the standards set for me, and even though I admit I have absolutely disappointed my folks on my journey with some of my choices, I am the one child who was raised, where as my brothers perhaps scored more on the love front. I was the one who took on such responsibilities as cooking for the family and cleaning. I remember days when I was not allowed to leave the house until particular chores were done, but I recall watching my father grow so frustrated when one of my brothers did not perform a chore to task, they were promptly dismissed as he completed it for them. I had a healthy fear of my parents and would pretty much do whatever they asked, but my brothers seemed to be preoccupied with new and exciting ways to piss them off. I was the child who before doing something foolish or embarrassing, reflected upon how my actions would affect my parents.
I had a co-worker, who upon separation from his wife avoided taking his kids. I asked him why, and he bemoaned that on a teacher’s salary, he could not afford the usual trips to amusement parks and meals out now that he was paying rent in a new place. I suggested a picnic in the park with homemade sandwiches. He turned his nose up to that, as if he was in some sort of financial competition with his ex to impress his kids. What a shame that he would succumb to such a mindset, after all, (insert sarcasm here) don’t we raise our kids not to be materialistic? Ultimately all kids want is you and your time. Yes nice things are fun to have, but parents are essential. If it’s “all about things” with them, then that’s your fault and some deprogramming needs to take place. I plea to parents out there, please give your sons and daughters equal responsibilities and see to it they are carried out. A special plea to the fathers out there, who are not doing right by their children, please pick up the phone and connect with your children. Technology has made vast strides to help with making communication easier, but nothing beats a face to face talk. Lastly, parents, teach your children that quality time far outweighs material things.
Niki Kendall is an educator and author of the adult fiction page turner Makin' Happy. For more info, visit http://www.facebook.com/pages/Niki-Kendall/57641807939
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